Most of my life I was afraid to be myself, so I lived the life of someone else–my inauthentic self. My inauthentic self protected me from what I feared the most, judgment and rejection, so I blindly let it take its toll. My inauthentic self ignored my heart’s desires and pleasing others became the fuel to its fire. My inauthentic self kept me from living my life’s true purpose and it kept me from singing my song uniquely, as only I can.
At the age of seventeen, I left my hometown Stockholm hoping to start over somewhere I could be real, feel and act different. So I made my way to the U.S. where my inauthentic journey would continue. In my early adulthood I pursued a career in law. I was content with any field other than the one that would require me to be authentic. During this time I was making music fleetingly, hoping one day I would be able to do it full-time. I told myself that I needed to improve myself and be more like someone else before I could pursue music wholeheartedly. This was an excuse. The real reason for not truly and fully pursuing music? I was afraid. I couldn’t deliver an authentic song, an authentic message, because I wasn’t being authentic in my everyday being.
Eventually, as I kept denying my true self and purpose, I fell prey to depression and anxiety. Fast forward through years of self-hatred and self-inflicted pain, one day I woke up. I realized that being oneself, being authentic, is not a destination that one works toward. I was and had always been my perfect self. The pain I had endured came from a lifelong effort to avoid judgment and rejection by others. But I no longer needed to feel accepted by others because I accepted myself. I believe that one’s spirit (one’s true inner self) remains the same from birth throughout life; it is naturally loving, caring and accepting. Largely what develops in us is judgment and fear which we then use to hurt ourselves and others. I think that life’s quest is somehow to find our way back to our untouched child-like selves, before efforts were made to suppress the spirit.
After nearly a decade overseas, I am now back in Stockholm, where my life began. I am no longer running from my authentic self, and my pilgrimage back to Stockholm has become symbolic of that spiritual journey. We all have a special spiritual connection to our birthplace and Stockholm had to be the place where I write my first pieces of authentic music as that is where I first lost myself. Today, my music originates from a place of peace and well-being. A place of love and care. A place of true creativity. That place in which the ego (that place in our mind that thrives on fear, judgement, control and comparison) has no place. It is a thing of the spirit. And, it is fluid.
I recently finished writing the songs for my upcoming debut EP titled “Charismata”. But really, it feels like it wrote itself, effortlessly, because I was finally being authentic and open to listen to inspiration where it actually was and not where I thought it should be. My debut EP, which is self-written and produced, will be released through Spinnup on November 16, 2013. I look forward to sharing it, authentically.